Predicaments and Ponderings Blog

Got your attention, didn’t I? I could jest and say, “Who could hate me?” Seriously, I thought I was a nice person, but there isn’t a person alive who is literally loved by everyone. I’m no exception. However, I do feel you need to understand that I not only had one mother-in-law, but I  had two. Let me explain. There’s more to the story.

Mother-in-law one, was lovingly referred to by her son (my first husband) as “West.” I know that means little to the average person, but her own son, in teasing, named her after the Wicked Witch of the West. We’ll just call her West.

Mother-in-law two, was the complete opposite. She could be called Glinda, the Good Witch of the East. I learned tons from Glinda, but we’ll save that for another post. Perhaps part two. For now, know that Glinda was the closest thing to my own mother. I loved her completely, talked for hours with her on the phone, and enjoyed the pleasure of her sweet-natured guidance up until her death. I still miss Glinda. She was an amazing woman.

But this post is about the things I learned from West. Now, I can’t say that I despised West. I didn’t. In fact, she could be a darling woman. She was funny and unafraid to “play.” She was a wicked shopper, meaning if you wanted something, West could find it at the ultimate lowest price, even if that meant cutting some sort of a deal with a store manager. West could be a joy – except when she wasn’t.

When I married my first husband, West let it be known that I was not a welcome member of the family. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was Princess Ann. West would not have deemed me worthy of her son. The only thing that made her tolerate me was the fact that I gave birth to the first two of her three grandchildren. Her despising me wasn’t personal, though it felt that way. It would have been that way for whom ever her son married.

It’s hard, even forty years after my divorce, to have to admit that she didn’t like me. It hurt and, honestly, still does. I wanted to be a part of her family, and despite my efforts, it was to no avail. Oddly enough, when West was stuffed away in a nursing home by her son, she called me weekly. We talked more in the last year of her life than we ever talked the forty years prior. Maybe part of that was her dementia. She’d simply forgotten the things she didn’t like about me, or maybe those years of trying to be kind to someone who refused my kindness paid off in the end. Either way, I grew to love West in a special way, and I think she grew to love me.

So, you ask, what could you learn from someone who hated you? Three things come to mind immediately, and I hope these are things that you can use in your life. I come to greatly appreciate them as good life lessons.

1. … ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”– Mark 12:31 NIV. West was a case that I do believe Jesus was alluding to when He shared the two great commands. You remember. Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. There are folks in this world who don’t love themselves at all, and sometimes, they drop into our lives when we least expect it. West taught me that love really does overcome a multitude of sins because if I’d made a list of the hurtful things she’d welded at me over the years, especially pertaining to my being a good parent, I would have never felt I ever deserved love from anyone. I was naive to a great extent. I’d never been in a position to deal with the jealous love of a mother. And truthfully, that was the problem West had. She would have been jealous of anyone who married her son. No one was good enough, and everyone would pay a price.

But, after our divorce, West and her hubs visited frequently to see the grandchildren. I gladly shared my boys with her and encouraged their phone calls and visits. After all, divorce wasn’t the fault of my boys, and these were their grandparents. So, when West visited, I went out of my way to love her, make her feel welcome, and share good memories with my boys. Lesson one was a long time in the coming, but I learned that the more I loved her, the less she had to complain about. Just before she passed. I called her to check-in.

“How are you doing?” I asked.

“Who is this?” She struggled to remember my name.

“It’s Cindy. Remember, I’m Chase and Cameron’s mom. You remember Chase and Cameron?”

“Oh, yes. I remember that you loved me even when I hated you. Thank you.”

Her words brought me to a halt. Love your neighbor even when it’s hard. It makes a difference. Love will sneak in, seep into the cracks of a hardened heart, and soften.

2. Forgiveness brings peace – It’s so easy to remain bitter through hardship. We can easily blame the raunchy things on others. We’re quick to drudge up the bad things and rehash them over and over. Even hold them over our offender’s head. But, forgiveness. Wow. Forgiveness gives us freedom. I’ve often said that forgiveness is not for the offender (though they get something from it if they accept it), but forgiveness is for the offended. Peter knew what He was saying when He told us to cast our cares (anxiety) on Him. In other words, forget it. Let it go. God’s far better equipped to handle the muck than we are. When we say the words, I forgive you, the gates of heaven open, and redemption, purification, hope, happiness, and love rain down on our souls. We’re filled with peace and freedom. West taught me that forgiveness is valuable. I could hold on to the hurt and anger, or I could cast it to Jesus. I chose to cast it, and when I did, I found a joy in West that I could not see before. I saw her humor, her fun, and her needs, and I was even compelled to be a part of her last year of life. I’m glad West taught me about forgiveness.

3. Seek the good in every situation – West taught me to seek the good in every situation. Throughout the years that she and her hubs visited, and when my boys visited her, she began to thank me for allowing her and granddad to enjoy the kids. She told me it meant so much to know that I sought out her good qualities, even when she knew I had no reason to. And before she died, she said something that still means the world. “I’ve always been a believer. But I never felt like I saw God, until I saw Him in you.”

That was a wow moment. It was a moment that shamed me for the times I’d gotten angry over the rejection or the snide remarks. She finally told me she never blamed me for the collapse of my marriage to her son. “I knew he was an alcoholic. I knew he was unfaithful. I knew he never loved you, and I’m sorry I justified that.”

West passed away in April, 2016.

I cried at her loss. Only, instead of tears of hurt, they were true tears of loss. We’d not enjoyed a long and fruitful relationship, but that last year was private between her and me. It meant something to me. My boys had that love-hate relationship with West, too. They have great photos of her literally playing with them, camping, riding bikes, and laughing. I hope for them, the good outweighs the bad as well.

West was a unique woman. She was brave and motivating. She was determined and self-sufficient, and she loved her family in her own way. I learned a lot from a woman who hated me in the beginning and though things were rocky a lot of the time, I was gifted to call her friend.

God leads us to learn lessons in the most unusual places. Who’d have thought it would be in the wake of someone who hated me? Besides, the last time I spoke to West was about a month prior to her death. Her last words to me were a surprise.

“You know, I always loved you.”  What could be better than that?   

Photo one – Image by Cara Shelton from Pixabay

Photo two – Image by Andre_Grunden from Pixabay