None of us wants to address death. Just the thoughts of losing a loved one will move us to tears long before the event. Still death is inevitable for us all. So the question arises, how do we face this issue, remain strong, and allow our aging parent the dignity they deserve?
It’s a tedious balancing act. As much as we’d like to assume every family is issue free, they aren’t. Many families face on-going sibling rivalry, family disagreement, and long histories of conflict. Add in the reality of an aging parent facing death, and the frustration only escalates.
Sadly enough, family conflict will sometimes outweigh the feelings and needs of the loved one. The resolution of family disagreement may never happen, but it can be laid to the side for a short time.
According to studies done from the American Association for Geriatric Psychiatry, terminal patients recognize end-of-life symptoms long before their passing. Though they have no idea when their passing will occur, many will begin to make preparations such as:
Will preparations
Family discussion on funeral arrangements
Distribution of meaningful belongings
Final conversations
Reminiscing
It’s not uncommon to have grandma begin to distribute belongings she holds dear to unsuspecting recipients. It’s important to remember, that though an ugly vase grandma kept on her dining room table may have no meaning to you, there is a special memory tied to it for grandma. She may never share the memory, or she may not know how to express the meaning, but to her, the vase you consider ugly . . . is beautiful and it means enough to her that she longs to share it with a loved one. When grandma offers the vase, accept it with love and joy. Show her the gratitude she deserves by allowing her the happiness of accepting it graciously. It’s not about you – it’s about her. If she is able, you may be surprised by the meaning and even more surprised if the object you’ve thought so ugly in the past, acquires a new meaning you now enjoy.
Listen to their stories even if you’ve heard them a hundred times. Listen closely for the details that may have passed over unwilling ears earlier. This is the legacy of your loved one. It’s history. It’s memories that, once the loved one is gone, you will cherish.
Find forgiveness. Perhaps you’ve been at odds with your loved one. For lack of better words, death is final. It’s irreversible. It was once said, “Regret is a horrible bedfellow.” The truth in this is overwhelming. There is no disagreement worth a lifetime of regret. Take time, if for no one other than yourself and your own future, to make amends. For example: a mother lost her estranged daughter in a car accident, her last memory was an argument three years earlier. As the daughter was laid to rest, all her mother could remember was three valuable years lost over bitter words.
The same thought process should be applied to learning to say I love you. Perhaps it’s not commonplace for these emotions to be exhibited, but when you’re approached by an aging parent who declares their love for you, return the courtesy. Your acceptance and gentle response, even if it is not your nature, will give peace and closure to a loved one facing their final months, weeks, or days. Once again, it’s not about you (though you will benefit), it’s about the loved one.
Family discussion over finances, wills, and personal effects can become heated and unfortunately no family, whether they are wealthy or poor, are immune to greed. If your family disagrees over possessions, make the effort to suspend those while your loved one works through the acceptance of their future. Despite the argument, allow your loved one to see a calm and peace for a short time. It’s a kind act in their behalf. The life of the loved one is far greater than any possession.
What if the tables are turned and your loved one is the center of conflict? The greatest advice is apply the golden rule – treat others the way you would want to be treated. You are always the winner when you choose the high road, even when your loved one may be condescending or difficult. Keep in mind that at times the anger and frustration an aging parent experiences may be fueled by dementia or Alzheimer’s. It may be spurred by disappointment in their own lives or things they have no control over – even the realization some actions of the past are unchangeable.
Ultimately we, as children, cannot repair the past of our loved ones but despite their obstinacy we can adopt an attitude of forgiveness – does it make the actions of those loved ones right? No. But in your own life, you will have peace for having “loved them anyway.”
Our immortality affects us each one in a deeply personal place. We’re forced to not only look ahead to the end but to look back over what has been. When your aging parent begins to make end-of-life preparations, spend quality time with them. Tell them you love them. Walk the path with them. Seek out their personal spiritual situation and guide them appropriately.
Saying goodbye is never easy but we can choose gentleness, loving ways, and understanding. The rewards for both the aging parent and for you, are immeasurable. Years after the loss, you can look back and say, “I’m glad I did,” instead of “I wish I had.”
Photo 1 courtesy of www.pixabay.com & Unsplash
Photo 2 courtesy www.pixabay.com & geralt
Photo 3 courtesy www.pixaby.com & Gaertringen
Integrity - An Authors Valued Trait
1/8/2021 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Homonyms – Did You Sea/See Them Their/There?
1/8/2021 6:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Writer Self-Care - Welcome 2021
1/4/2021 10:22:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Hope in a New Year
1/1/2021 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Silent Night
12/25/2020 9:22:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
One More Christmas Thought - Taken from ChristianDevotions.US blog
12/25/2020 6:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
A Christmas Saga - Joy in the Season
12/24/2020 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
When Writing Grows Hard
12/22/2020 9:02:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Permission to Quit - No Way
12/18/2020 9:55:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
The Power of the Pen
12/15/2020 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Good, The Bad, and the Memoir
12/11/2020 10:59:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
The Immeasurable Power in You
12/8/2020 2:37:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Scratch It Till It Bleeds
12/5/2020 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Closing Up Shop - Renting or Selling Our Parent's Home
9/5/2020 8:33:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Humility in Writing
7/7/2020 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Let it Percolate
7/3/2020 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Mentoring - A Wise Choice
6/29/2020 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Divorce My Words?
6/23/2020 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Icy Self-Talk Will Freeze Your Writing
6/19/2020 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Power in You
6/16/2020 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Waiting
6/12/2020 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Who Really Sells Your Books
6/9/2020 3:47:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Social Media When You Aren't Social Media Minded
4/20/2020 6:43:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
What Really Is Important
4/12/2020 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
In the Midst of Chaos
3/17/2020 10:37:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
The Heart of God
2/14/2020 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Writing in a Pickle
1/30/2020 3:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Adult Day Care Alternative
1/23/2020 5:09:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Social Media Blitz
1/19/2020 11:20:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
The Joys of Aging
12/30/2019 7:53:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Reality of Who We Are?
12/22/2019 7:53:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Publishing Trends
11/30/2019 8:16:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Be Thankful ANYWAY
11/28/2019 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Writing Your Mission Statement
11/19/2019 7:38:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Perseverance to Write
11/16/2019 12:00:00 PM by: Cindy
Common Sense Tips for When You Write
11/9/2019 10:26:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
The Battle is Fought
10/15/2019 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy
Twelve Tidbits of Wisdom from Top Christian Writers
10/5/2019 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Pray with Fire
10/3/2019 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
The Easy In
9/24/2019 8:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Art of Self-Editing
9/10/2019 10:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Questions, Questions
9/6/2019 10:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
15-Minute Appointments - Important Networking
9/3/2019 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Don't Close Your Eyes - Bob Hostetler
2/5/2019 by: Cindy Sproles
Love Your Faculty
10/17/2018 3:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Forging Ahead after Rejection
7/17/2018 8:12:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
cindysproles.com Privacy Policy
6/4/2018 8:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Closing Up Shop - Guiding Seniors to Letting Go
4/9/2018 10:56:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Publishing Naysayers
3/16/2018 1:30:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
In Prayer - I Write
3/3/2018 9:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Keep Them Reading
1/12/2018 11:23:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Encouraged - Even When . . .
1/2/2018 12:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Christmas Tears
12/18/2017 12:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Holiday Elder Care - Be an Elder Elf
11/12/2017 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Grateful for a Dream I Didn't Know I Had
11/9/2017 6:30:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Keep Them Reading
11/1/2017 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Chicken Soup for the Soul - Writer Call Out
10/27/2017 10:05:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Five Ways to Assure Your Work will Find the Slush Pile
10/24/2017 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
23rd Psalm Revisited
10/21/2017 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Contentment in Writing
10/19/2017 9:30:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
5 Common Sense Tips to Better Writing
10/10/2017 7:00:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Overshadowed
8/21/2017 10:05:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Chicken Soup for the Soul Callout - Stories about Love
8/21/2017 7:54:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Five Keys to Overcoming Rejection
8/12/2017 7:00:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Writing Call Out - Chicken Soup for the Soul
8/10/2017 8:47:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
When Words of Encouragement Wane
6/28/2017 10:54:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Writing Truth with Love
1/13/2017 11:05:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Oh To Be A Writer
1/4/2017 11:12:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Why Write?
1/1/2017 11:16:00 AM by: Cindy Sproles
Scammed
6/21/2016 3:48:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Pain of Unsolicited
3/9/2016 3:51:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Not Alone: A Literary and Spiritual Companion for Those Confronted with Infertility and Miscarriage
11/21/2015 3:02:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Thankful Despite . . .
11/20/2015 3:04:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Stepping Up to Na-No-Wri-Mo
11/16/2015 3:08:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Gift of No Gifts
11/2/2015 3:11:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Writers Be Encouraged
10/15/2015 3:17:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Keep ‘Em Reading – It’s the Writer’s Responsibility
8/13/2015 3:26:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Saying Goodbye
7/17/2015 3:31:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Overcoming the Fear of Writing Failure
7/8/2015 3:38:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Making the Move – Home to Assisted Living
6/17/2015 3:41:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
I Kid You Not
6/6/2015 3:44:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Hearing the Call to Foster – Renee McCausey
1/13/2015 3:54:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Throw Out the Crutches
1/10/2015 5:02:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
So You Were Asked to Be A Beta Reader?
1/10/2015 3:59:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
REJECTIONS – Aaughhh!
1/5/2015 5:04:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Bachelor – Stephanie Reed
12/14/2014 5:06:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Making of a Servant
11/30/2014 5:10:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Miracle in a Dry Season Review – Yvonne Lehman
8/27/2014 5:12:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Write Anyway
8/26/2014 5:17:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
World Blog Tour – Catching Up with Cindy Sproles
7/22/2014 5:19:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Progression of Life
7/17/2014 5:23:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Instrumental Writing Helps – Aaron Gansky
7/4/2014 5:27:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The Question Saga
6/29/2014 5:28:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Defy the Night – REVIEW
4/28/2014 5:30:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
When the Work is Hard to Do
4/1/2014 5:31:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
My Heart Belongs to Him
2/14/2014 5:32:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Review of The Vicar’s Wife
2/2/2014 5:44:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The In on Self Publishing – Part 2
12/29/2013 3:44:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
The In on Self Publishing – Part 1
12/26/2013 3:47:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
In a Pickle
10/1/2013 3:52:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Bigger and Better
9/27/2013 3:54:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Putting SOCIAL back in Media
8/10/2013 8:08:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
After the Conference Ends…
8/8/2013 8:13:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Here a Tweak, There a Tweak, Everywhere a Tweak, Tweak
8/2/2013 8:15:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Can You Hear Me Now?
7/23/2013 8:18:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Golden Years, Cherished Moments
3/20/2013 7:47:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Broken Heart Syndrome
9/26/2012 7:56:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
What About Our Elders
8/24/2012 7:57:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
A Minute – A Lifetime
8/10/2012 7:58:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
Water, Water – Who’s Got the Water
7/31/2012 7:59:00 PM by: Cindy Sproles
